she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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