there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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