Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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