Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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