You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
