at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Randomize
