i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
