she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
