His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
My dick has a subreddit
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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