you guys were way drunker than both of me
the condom got lost in my hair
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
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woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
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If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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