i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
