I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.