exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
