I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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