so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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