i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
His nipple licking is glorious
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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