my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
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