The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
