I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
