ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
