I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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