just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
