I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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