Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Randomize
