i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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