I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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