Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
