I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize