my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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