you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
