i think my tv is drunk
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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