I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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