You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
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