I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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