I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
