I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
