If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
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