I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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