me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
