someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
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