I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
