my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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