shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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