Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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