i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
