i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
