i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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