overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
