Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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