three words: i give head
three words: not that well
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
