I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
