she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
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