there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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