my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
