Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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