I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
