Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
