i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
