i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
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