I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
im six kinds of drunk right now
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
