If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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