i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
