my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
