Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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